Only The Good Leave Cliffhanger Endings
by Sophie Temrer Rimmer-Artley
Summary: What really happened after Rimmer kneed the Grim Reaper in the crotch... Mild language
1. Fighting 'Til The End

**AN: This fic is written to amend the ending of Only The Good for my friend Matt, who didn't like the way it finished (though personally I think he's a total smeeee, smeeee, smeeee heeeee for thinking that, but never mind). So this carries on directly after Rimmer knees the Grim Reaper in the crotch and legs it. There will be spoilers for probably all series (except Back To Earth , because that hasn't happened yet, and neither me nor Matt have actually seen it, haha). Enjoy!**

Chapter 1: Fighting 'Til The End

Rimmer was panic-stricken. Where could he run to? There was no way back to the mirror universe, and nobody else on the ship. Every one of his instincts was screaming at him to hide under a table with a saucepan on his head and pray for it to all be over, but he knew he couldn't. For once in his life, he had to stop being the coward he was and think rationally. But what could he do? Where could he go?

_The stasis pods, you smeghead!_

Rimmer smacked himself in the head. Why hadn't he thought of it before? He went barrelling back the way he had come, running smack into the Grim Reaper again and knocking him to the floor.

"See you around miladdo! Preferably when I'm at least a hundred years old!" he called, not caring whether he heard or not. He skidded to a halt at the end of the corridor and turned the corner. His heart hit the floor. The stasis pods were already burning.

"Shit!" Rimmer yelled, then clapped a hand over his mouth in shock as he realised that he'd just sworn properly for the first time in his life. He sank to his knees, trying not to cry. His final hope had just gone down the pan. He may as well just go and help the Grim Reaper up, say sorry for hurting him, and go with him to Creepy Death Land.

"Rimmer...!"

Rimmer almost laughed aloud. He could have sworn he heard someone calling his name in the distance. He saw his vision go grey around the edges and heard a roaring in his ears. Then he blacked out.

"Rimmer! Smeg! I found him Kryten!" shouted Lister as he came to a halt next to Rimmer's limp body.

"He's very near death, Mr. Lister sir, if we don't put him in stasis he may not survive."

"The pods're already burning down, Kryten!" Lister said, pointing.

"In that case, while Miss Kochanski, the Cat and I administer the antidote and carry out repairs, you must stay with Mr. Rimmer. Talk to him, and see if you can bring him round. Alert me the moment he wakes. I must go now sir."

With that Kryten strode off down the corridor to help Kochanski and Cat with the antidote and repairs.

"Fat lot of help you are Kryten." Lister muttered to himself. "I see what ya mean Rimmer. He really can be a smeghead." Lister looked down at Rimmer. Had he twitched in response to Lister's voice? There was no definite way to tell. "Let's get ya away from here man. Them stasis pods are gonna go up properly any second." Lister grabbed Rimmer and hauled him to his feet. He draped Rimmer's arm around his shoulders and supported him as he walked down the corridor. Suddenly there was a huge explosion from the direction of the stasis pods, and Lister and Rimmer were knocked onto the floor. Rimmer started coughing and gasping, like he'd been winded, and his eyes opened. He saw Lister standing up.

"What the sm... Lister?" he wheezed.

"Rimmer! Am I glad to see ya awake man! Get up, we've gotta find Kryten."

"But... you were gone. In the mirror universe. And the thingy was broken..." Rimmer said, bemused.

"I'll explain it later, OK? Right now I gotta tell Kryten you're awake." Lister sighed.

"Awake?" Rimmer frowned, stumbling to his feet.

"You fainted, man." Lister explained. "Come on, we don't have time for this. By the looks of things, that explosion was only from one stasis pod, and I don't wanna hang around to see the others go up."

Rimmer shook himself. "All right." The two men ran down the corridors eventually finding Kryten in the drive room with Cat and Kochanski.

"Ah, Mr. Rimmer sir, you're awake! Marvellous!"

"Yes, well, never mind that right now, we need to do something about the stasis pods, they're going up in flames and exploding as we speak." Rimmer said hurriedly.

"I really don't see who can go and sort them out, sir, we are all busy here, and I need Mr. Lister's help now."

"I'll go then." Rimmer said, grabbing a bazookoid in one hand and a fire extinguisher in the other.

"What's the bazookoid for?" Lister asked.

"Long story, tell you later." Rimmer said, heading for the door. Kryten cornered him.

"Sir, the pods are extremely volatile, we have no way of telling whether they can be extinguished or not! I implore you sir, wait until we know more."

"If we wait, the next thing going through our minds will be 'OH DEAR I SEEM TO BE DEAD'! I'm going right now!" And on that note Rimmer neatly sidestepped around Kryten and strode off.

"Oh my, oh my, oh my..." Kryten muttered. Suddenly, sparks came flying out of the drive computer, and he rushed to attend to it.

Rimmer meanwhile had reached the end of the corridor and stood facing the stasis pods.

"Game over, you little smeggers. For one of us at least." he said, raising the fire extinguisher and spraying foam everywhere. He managed to douse two of them, then the jet of foam fizzled out to nothing.

"No...!" he shouted, shaking the fire extinguisher to no avail. He was only greeted with a rattling sound. He spotted a billowing of black next to the one remaining pod. "For smeg's sake! Fine! But if I'm going, then you're going with me!" Rimmer said, raising the bazookoid and firing. It hit the Grim Reaper square in the chest and he fell back, his cloak catching fire. Rimmer knew what would come next, and in a last-ditch attempt he ran to the pod and threw the extinguisher into the raging inferno. He was hit in the head with a chunk of metal, scraping a deep gash down the side of his face. "OW! SMEG!" he yelled, clutching his cheek and collapsing to the floor beside the Grim Reaper.

"Here goes then. Death." he sighed to himself. "May as well get it over with. Apparently I've done it before." Rimmer suddenly remembered something Lister had told him during those long days in the brig. "Oh, almost forgot. My last words." He winced at the pain in his face and tasted blood in his mouth as he wrinkled his nose at what he had to say next. "Gazpacho soup..." he uttered in a whisper before blacking out for the second time in under an hour.

Back in the drive room, the antidote had finally been administered fully, and Lister, Cat, Kryten and Kochanski were finally a little more relaxed.

"Where's Rimmer? He shoulda been back ages ago." Lister asked anxiously.

"I fear the worst may have happened Mr. Lister sir, there is a very real possibility that there is nothing we can do for him." Kryten said regretfully.

"No smegging way. I'm gonna look for him." Lister said. "Kris? Come help me?"

"Fine, if I have to." Kochanski sighed. The two of them hurried out of the drive room and reached the stasis pods as the final one blew up, engulfing Rimmer's body.

"NO!" Lister shouted. "Rimmer!"

"Dave, we can't do anything now. He's gone." Kochanski said, tugging on his sleeve.

"No, look! He's still there!" Lister said, pointing. "It must be something to do with stasis." Lister and Kochanski rushed over to Rimmer, who lay comatose and bleeding.

"Smegging hell, that must've hurt." Lister winced, indicating Rimmer's face. "Take his arms, I'll grab his legs. We gotta get him to the medical unit." Together the two of them lifted Rimmer and carried him away from the stasis pods and into the medical unit. They laid him on the bed, and Kochanski ran to get Kryten. Lister picked up a cloth and dipped it in water, starting to clean out Rimmer's wound.

"You're a total smeghead, Rimmer, but you're the bravest smeghead I ever met. You were willing to die for the rest of us. And I'm sorry I've been such a git to ya all these years."

"Didn't know you cared, Listy." came Rimmer's pathetic mumble.

"Rimmer! Jeez, ya gave me a scare!" Lister gasped.

"Sorry." he muttered. He lifted his hand. "Why am I covered in blood?"

"You've cut your face. Do you want to see it?"  
"Hell no, I don't want to see it!" Rimmer snapped, struggling to sit up. "Get me some water. I need to wash my hands." Lister ran some water into a little bowl and passed it to Rimmer, who rinsed his hands, desperately scrubbing at the already dried blood.

"Out out, damned spot, out I say." he mumbled with a laugh.

"Say what Rimmer?" Lister asked.

"Nothing Lister, nothing." Rimmer insisted, drying his hands on the sleeves of his jacket and lying back down again.

"What do you remember? I mean, back from when you came back through the portal and realised we'd gone there to find you?"

"I had an argument with a dispensing machine, kneed the Grim Reaper in the groin..."

"You did what?!"

"Another long story. I was trying to get to the pods and go into stasis until you managed to repair everything, but they were burning. Then I fainted. Next thing I remember was landing on the floor, and you were there telling me to get to Kryten... then we went to the drive room. I told them about..."

"Yeah, we can skip the bits I was there for. Get to after you left to put out the pods."

"OK. I managed to put two of them out before I ran out of foam. The Grim Reaper showed up again so I shot him with the bazookoid, then I tried throwing the fire extinguisher into the pod, but it shattered... which must have been how I got this cut." Rimmer said, gingerly touching his wound.

"Don't do that man, I've just smegging cleaned it." Lister said. "Then what?"

"I fainted again. I think." he finished. "Have you stopped the virus?"  
"Yeah. We did it." Lister said. "What a team. The Boys from the Dwarf."

"What am I then, a next-door neighbour?" Kochanski asked as she came in with Kryten and the Cat.

"Sorry Kris." Lister said with a hangdog expression.

"Thank goodness you are all right, Mr. Rimmer sir." Kryten exclaimed.

"We thought you was a goner for sure, Goal-Post Head." Cat added.

"I'm fine. Just a bit disorientated." Rimmer insisted.

"I think this calls for a celebration!" Kryten said.

Several hours later, Lister, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten could be seen in the observation dome, arms around each other and singing drunkenly:

"_We are the champions my friends, and we'll keep on fighting 'til the end, we are the champions, we are the champions, no time for smegheads, 'cause we are the champions of the world..."_

Kochanski shook her head at them, but couldn't stop the smile that was spreading across her face.

It was nice to be safe.

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

**Hope you enjoyed the first instalment! Next chapter will be up in no time. Review please!**


	2. We're All Stars Part One

**AN: Hope you're enjoying it so far! Here comes the next chapter! Enjoy!**

Chapter 2: We're All Stars Part One

Rimmer was sitting alone in the drive room, and getting flashbacks of things he didn't remember happening.

"_That's because I'm dead. Dead as a can of Spam."_

"_Quick! Now! Stab him, stab him! Ah, you haven't met Stabbim, he's one of our skutters. Stabbim, this is Lister's Paranoia, Lister's Paranoia, this is Stabbim..."_

"_You thought you had it bad before Lister, now you've got it in stereo, baby..."_

"_Show me the way to go home, I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, well I had a little drink about an hour ago to celebrate Rimmer's death..."_

"_I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of... boy!"_

"_We are the Sensational Reverse Brothers ladies and gentlemen, we shall see you last night!"_

"_There's only one problem with that name, the abbreviation of it is CLITORIS..."_

"_I'll smoke him a smegging kipper..."_

"_We won't be apart, we just won't be together... I can't __believe__ I just said that!"_

"_Mr. Flibble's very cross. You shouldn't have run away from him. What are we going to do with them Mr. Flibble?... We can't possibly do that! Who'd clear up the mess?"_

"_I'm Dangerous Dan McGrew, fist fighter extraordinaire."_

"_Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas. Whatever."_

Rimmer was bent double with the intensity of his flashbacks, his eyes scrunched shut.

"What's up Rimmer?" came Lister's voice from behind him, shattering the goings-on in his subconscious.

"I keep remembering things. Things I've not actually done." Rimmer gasped, sitting up and wiping a shaky hand across his sweaty brow. "Things the other me did. When he was... you know... dead. A hologram."

"That's a bit weird. What kinda things are you getting?"

"Just the sort of adventures you all had. Things like... the second hologram of me... The parallel universe... The Polymorphs... My alter ego Ace Rimmer... Mr. Flibble..."

"Smegging hell, you remember the holovirus?" Lister said. "Even the other you couldn't remember that."

"I don't want to remember it. Any of it. I want it to stop. I feel the pain he felt. The emptiness of being composed entirely of light. How did he manage it?"

"We all helped him out." Lister shrugged. "It's what friends do."

"Friends? We were never friends, Lister. You can't seriously expect me to believe that you liked him... er, me by then."

"Well, I don't know about Kryten or the Cat, but I really ended up respecting him... you. You changed a lot after all the four of us had been through. You were a better person." Lister said. Rimmer suddenly jumped to his feet.

"Oh yes, that makes me feel a whole lot better Listy! Telling me that the other Arnold Rimmer was a better person than me! Thanks Lister. Thanks a smegging bunch." Rimmer was heading for the door when he got another flashback, and he bent double in the doorway, clutching his head.

"_It's not easy saying this, one man to another, but... I love ya, man. I really, really love ya."_

Rimmer cried out in shock, snapping back to the present time.

"Lister! Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" Lister asked him.

"What you said. While we were stuck on my psi-moon. I mean, obviously you don't _love _me love me, because you're straight, but as a friend, was what you said true?"

Lister looked at the floor. "Yeah. Yeah it was. As a friend, I really do love ya."

Rimmer straightened up and looked at Lister's sincere expression. A hint of a smile played across his lips.

"Thanks." Rimmer said. "Oh and hey, as a friend, I love you too, you big smeghead. I hope you and Kochanski sort things out. Really I do."

"Cheers man." Lister grinned. The two men hesitated for a moment, then exchanged a stiff handshake that somehow turned into an awkward hug. They thumped each other on the back and moved apart.

"Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency..."

"All right Holly, we got the idea! What's happening?" Rimmer snapped.

"We're getting a distress signal from a nearby planet. It's... a bit out of the ordinary."

"Punch it up Hol." Lister said. A group of humans appeared on the screen and burst into song.

"_Help! I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody. Help! You know I need someone. Help! When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in any way, but now these days are gone and I'm not so self assured, now I find I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors..."_

Rimmer and Lister exchanged incredulous glances. Someone stepped forward from behind the singing group and spoke.

"Please help us. This planet has something on it which is making us burst into song at random intervals. I seem to be the only one who is immune to it. We can't control it, as you can see. Save us from this nightmare, before we all go crazy!"

"_Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Probably..."_

"You see what I mean? It's getting worse every minute..."

"_Every minute's like an hour, every hour's like a day, every day lasts forever, but what else am I gonna do? I'd wait forever and a day for you, I'd wait up, wait up for you..."_

"SHUT UP!"

"_Shut up, just shut up, shut up..."_

"Aaargh! End transmission!" The picture cut off. There was a long silence. Rimmer broke it

"Warm up your vocal chords Listy, we're going in." Rimmer grinned. "Ahem, do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do..."

Lister buried his face in his hands and groaned. This was not going to be a fun day...

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

"Well, here we are." Rimmer said. "And we're not singing yet." He was the only one who seemed visibly disappointed by this news.

"Come on then. Let's get these people outta here." Lister opened the airlock, and a sweet scent hit them, almost like stepping into a candy shop.

"It smells like candy..." the Cat said, taking a deep breath. _"Who can take the sunrise..."_

"_Sprinkle it with dew..." _Rimmer joined in.

"_The Candy Man, the Candy Man can..." _Kochanski and Kryten were now singing. Lister looked at them, then realised it wasn't affecting him. He was immune! Yes!

"_The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good..." _Famous last words, Lister thought bitterly as he heard the song coming from his own mouth. Damn.

"Whoa, OK, snap out of it guys!" Cat said suddenly. "We can't let it get us."

"You're right. Come on, let's find those people." Rimmer said.

"_Shiny happy people..." _Lister began, then realised he was doing it again and shook himself. "Sorry."

"Let's go. It should be easy." Kryten said, holding the psi-scanner out in front of him.

"I can feel it coming on again!" Rimmer said, horrified.

"Fight it man, fight it!" Lister urged him. It was too late. Rimmer jumped in front of Lister.

"_You, I wanna take you to a gay bar, I wanna take you to a gay bar, I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar..."_

"Rimmer, stop, stop!" Lister shouted. Rimmer froze, then retreated. He stuck a fist in his mouth and he could feel himself going bright red. "Not that I'm not flattered Rimmer, but I bat for the other team if ya get what I'm saying." Lister said, collapsing into a fit of infantile sniggers.

"Oh, smeg off!" Rimmer snapped, striding off ahead with the rest of them in tow. Lister was walking side-by-side with Kochanski, and he felt the urge to sing coming on again. His mind screamed at him to fight it, but his heart said go with it. His heart won, and he tapped Kochanski on the shoulder. She turned to look at him, frowning.

"Dave?"

"_I've got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, 'cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'!"_

"_You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you, you better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true..." _Kochanski continued.

"_Nothin' left, nothin' left for me to do..." _Lister sang with a grin.

"_You're the one that I want, you are the one I want, ooh ooh ooh, honey, the one that I want, you are the one I want, ooh ooh ooh, honey, the one that I want, you are the one I want, ooh ooh ooh, the one that I need, oh yes indeed...!" _Seeing his chance, Lister leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips.

"Oi, are you two lovebirds quite finished?" Rimmer called from a way ahead. The two of them broke apart, grinning guiltily.

"Sorry Rimmer!" Lister shouted.

"Hurry up! I think we've found them Mr. Lister sir!" Kryten shouted.

"C'mon then." Lister said to Kochanski, and as he strode off he felt Kochanski slip her hand in his.

He'd have to remember the singing trick for another time...

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

**We're not done yet! We're All Stars Part Two will be up soon! Review please!**

**List of songs used:**

**Help! – The Beatles**

**Crazy – Gnarls Barkley**

**Everybody In Love – JLS**

**Shut Up – Black Eyed Peas**

**The Candy Man (don't know the artist, can someone tell me?)**

**Shiny Happy People – R.E.M**

**Gay Bar – Electric Six**

**You're The One That I Want – John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John**


	3. We're All Stars Part Two

**AN: Here's Part Two! Enjoy!**

Chapter 3: We're All Stars Part Two

Standing on a hill, Rimmer, Lister, Kochanski, Kryten and the Cat looked at the makeshift camp laid out below them. Beside it was a crashed spaceship that looked almost beyond repair.

"Well, it's no wonder that they're getting desperate." Kryten said matter-of-factly.

"_Desperate, but not hopeless, I feel so useless in the Murder City, desperate, but not helpless, the clock strikes midnight in the Murder City..."_

"Lister, shut up." Rimmer said.

"Sorry."

"Let's just help them and get out of here before we go crackers." Kochanski said, setting off down the hill with Lister trailing behind due to their hands still being joined. Kryten's face was scrunching up, and Rimmer knew he was getting ready to whinge, or at worst, burst into song about Lister and Kochanski.

"Kryten, pull yourself together, you hapless pile of metal and smeg." Rimmer said to him sternly.

"That has just proved to me that there is no silicon heaven. I'm going to die alone."

"_Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling, street light people!"_

"Not helping, Cat." Rimmer sighed.

"Sorry bud, it just sorta slipped out." Cat apologised.

"Come on then, let's get over there." Rimmer said, and the three of them started after Lister and Kochanski.

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

"Thank goodness! Someone received my distress call!" shouted the man from the transmission, running over to the five Dwarfers. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is..."  
_"...St. Jimmy, I'm a son of a gun, I'm the one that's from the way outside now..."_

"Oh put a sock in it you lot!" the man sighed wearily. "Incidentally, my name is James, but please don't call me J.I. double-M.Y." he said to the others.

"I'm Dave Lister, this is Krissie Kochanski, Arnold Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat."

"Marvellous. Are you here to save us from this..."

"_Monstrosity! Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah, NO! We will not let you go..."_

"STOP!" James shouted.

"_Hammer time!"_ someone shouted back, and everyone else laughed.

"I'm going insane!" James said to the Dwarfers. "You've got to help me. Please!" he begged.

"All right. Give us a second." Kochanski said, beckoning the others over to her. "What are we going to do? That ship looks beyond repair."

"Maybe if there was some way to stifle the smell that seems to affect people, we could buy them some time to build a civilisation here. Once that was over, then they could just go about their normal, musical business."

"I've got it!" Rimmer exclaimed. "To Lister's sock drawer!" he said, the same way one might say 'to the Batmobile'. He ran off back towards Starbug. The others watched him go.

"He's lost it." Lister sighed. "Let's go after him."

When they reached Rimmer and Lister's sleeping quarters, they found Rimmer with his head in Lister's sock drawer. He surfaced, and they could see he was wearing a gas mask.

"What?" he said in a muffled voice. "It's really nasty in there."

"OK, what's all this about my socks?" Lister asked him as he pulled the gas mask off.

"Let's face it, we all know that Lister's socks set off the sprinkler system, and Holly once mistook one for a non-human life form."

"That's right dudes." Holly said, appearing on the screen.

"Hey Holly! Good to see ya back online man." Lister said.

"Rock and roll, Dave." he said, disappearing again.

"Mr. Rimmer sir, I think you might be on to something." Kryten said. "We give each person a sock of Mr. Lister's to wear over their faces, the way one might wear a surgical mask, which will enable them to breathe in the smell of the sock and not the air which seems to make them sing. I must say sir, that is an absolutely brilliant idea."

"Thank you Kryten." Rimmer said smugly. "Well Listy? Are you prepared to sacrifice your socks for this noble purpose?"

"I guess so. I've got plenty back on Red Dwarf anyway." Lister shrugged.

"In that case, let's get this show on the road." Rimmer said, clapping his hands together.

Armed with bundles of dirty socks, Rimmer, Lister, Cat, Kryten and Kochanski made their way down the hill as the people slept. They set to work tying socks over everyone's noses, and within about an hour they were all done. The Dwarfers stood back and admired their work.

"Simple." Rimmer said with a smile.

"We should wait until they wake, so we can explain the socks." Kryten pointed out. The five of them sat at the edge of the group, patiently waiting until daybreak.

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

Lister sat awake, the silence punctuated only by snores from Rimmer and occasional mechanical sounds from Kryten as he tried out 'the human concept called sleeping' as he called it. Suddenly, someone in the crowd of sleeping people stirred, and Lister nudged Rimmer with his toe, who opened one bleary eye.

"Rimmer, wake up man." Lister whispered. "It's starting."

"_Wake me up before you go-go, don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo..."_

"Shut up Rimmer."

"Sorry Listy." Rimmer sighed, sitting up. "Are they stirring?"  
"Yep, I just saw one of 'em move." Lister replied. "Maybe we shoulda chloroformed 'em and legged it."

"Don't be a goit, Lister, they'd just have taken the socks off and thought nothing of it." Rimmer pointed out.

"S'pose you're right." Lister shrugged.

"Hey, congrats on the make-up with Kochanski. Doing it in song was pretty cheesy, but it worked."

"Thanks Rimmer."

Suddenly a yell went up among the people.

"Hey! What's this stinky sock doing over my face?! Did you do this?!" someone said, pointing accusingly at the person next to them.

"No, someone's done it to me too!" the person replied. "Was this you, James?!"

"I can assure you it wasn't me!" James said.

"It was us, OK?" Lister shouted. The whole crowd turned to look at Lister and Rimmer, who were the only two awake. "It's to stop ya from singing all the time. We realised your ship wouldn't be fixable, so we thought you could build a civilisation here and then once you were done, you could either keep the socks on ya faces or take 'em off depending on what ya fancy."

"This is wonderful! How can I ever thank you?" James said joyfully.

"No need to thank us, we're just helping out." Rimmer said with a modest smile. The others began to wake.

"Ah, so your plan has worked Mr. Rimmer sir! Wonderful." Kryten said.

"Yes indeedy. We best be off. Good luck all of you." Rimmer said to the crowd of people. The five Dwarfers made their way back up the hill to shouts of 'Goodbye!' and 'God bless you!'. The overwhelming urge to sing got to them, and they couldn't resist it.

"_Here and now, it's time for celebration, I finally figured out, yeah yeah, that all our dreams have no limitations, that's what it's all about..." _sang Lister.

"_Everyone is special in their own way, we make each other strong, we're not the same, we're different in a good way, together's where we belong..." _Kochanski added. Then all five of them launched into the chorus.

"_We're all in this together, once we know that we are, we're all stars, and we see that, we're all in this together, and it shows when we stand hand-in-hand, make our dreams come true..."_

"_We're all here, and speaking out with one voice, we're gonna rock the house, yeah yeah..." _Cat sang.

"_The party's on, now everybody make some noise, come on, scream and shout....." _continued Rimmer.

"_We've arrived because we stuck together, champions one and all..."_ Kryten finished the verse as the five of them headed into Starbug. They launched into an impromptu dance routine right there in the cockpit, and Holly appeared on the screen to watch them.

"_We're all in this together, once we know that we are, we're all stars, and we see that, we're all in this together, and it shows when we stand hand-in-hand, make our dreams come, we're all in this together, when we reach, we can fly, know inside we can make it, we're all in this together, once we see there's a chance that we have and we take it..."_

"_Dwarfers, everywhere, wave your hands up in the air, that's the way we do it, let's get to it, c'mon everyone!" _Holly chanted to bring the song to an early end as the airlock closed.

"Well, I for one quite enjoyed that." Rimmer said with a grin. "Can we come back for a visit some time?" he asked as Lister piloted Starbug back towards Red Dwarf.

The deafening shout of "NO!!!" from everyone else almost made Rimmer fall off his seat.

"Well, it was worth a try..." he sighed.

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

**I am ASTRONOMICALLY sorry for putting a High School Musical song in, but it just fitted so well and I was laughing my head off imagining them (specifically Rimmer) doing HSM! Next chapter features Rimmer and Lister acting like excited little kids about a certain something. Review please!**

**List of songs used:**

**Murder City – Green Day**

**Don't Stop Believin' – Journey**

**St. Jimmy – Green Day**

**Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen**

**U Can't Touch This – MC Hammer**

**Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham!**

**We're All In This Together – Cast of High School Musical**


	4. No Place I'd Rather Be

**AN: Hope you all had a good giggle at the last two chapters! Here comes the next one. Inspired by the song Step Into Christmas by Elton John (worth a listen while reading) but I will mention other Xmas songs throughout the chapter. Enjoy!**

Chapter 4: No Place I'd Rather Be

Lister looked in disbelief at the electronic calendar. No smegging way was that right...

But then again, this was Todhunter's calendar, he'd have it right to the very nanosecond...

"Smegging hell!" he shouted. "Rimmer!"

"What is it this time Lister? Did you find Narnia in the back of the wardrobe while trying to dig out the shirt with the least stains on it?" Rimmer sighed sarcastically, walking into the room.

Lister rolled his eyes. "No, I found Todhunter's electronic calendar. Look at the date." He held it out to Rimmer, who took it and read the date aloud.

"The 24th of December..." he said in surprise. His face lit up. "No way!"

"Believe it man! It's Christmas Eve!" Lister said, bouncing up and down with excitement. "Yeess!"

"Let's get to the cargo bay and dig out the Christmas decorations!" Rimmer said, running off, closely followed by Lister. They grabbed box after box and took them out of the cargo bay.

"Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town!" Lister sang as he unpacked Christmas decorations in the drive room.

"That's not real Christmas music, Lister. Real Christmas music is classical carols." Rimmer said. "God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay..."

"Remember Rimmer's a smeghead and maybe even gay!" Lister interrupted, laughing.

"Smeg off!" Rimmer said, throwing a bauble at Lister, who dodged it effortlessly and flung a wreath at Rimmer frisbee-style. It landed on his head and Lister continued to laugh. Rimmer's nostrils flared and he tried to look angry, opening his mouth to yell something at Lister but just ending up laughing with him.

"What the heck are you doing?" Kochanski asked in disbelief, walking into the drive room.

"It's December 24th." Rimmer explained, taking the wreath off his head and throwing it back at Lister, who caught it with one hand and hung it from the wall.

"Christmas Eve!" Kochanski gasped. "I had no idea!"

"Here, give us a hand with this." Lister said, throwing her one end of a long strand of silver tinsel. She took it and together they draped it over the drive computer. Rimmer, meanwhile, had opened the final box.

"Captain Hollister's Christmas tree!" he exclaimed. "The one he used to put up in his office, look!"

Lister and Kochanski looked, and sure enough, there were the fake branches all bundled up.

"Let's get this put up right here." Lister said, grabbing a handful of branches. "Where's the instructions?"

"Here." Kochanski said, picking up a piece of paper. "OK, we need the base first..."

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

"Er, I think it's supposed to be the other way up." Kochanski said as they surveyed at their poorly constructed Christmas tree.

"Eh, let's leave it. I think it's like us. A bit backward, but all there somewhere." Lister said.

"Spoken like a true Dwarfer, Listy." Rimmer said, making a pantomime of wiping a fake tear from his eye.

"Now, what's next?" Lister asked. Rimmer delved into the box and grabbed something, pulling it out.

"Stockings!" he grinned.

"Oh yeah, like Santa Claus is really gonna be able to get the reindeer out here into deep space. Even if he existed, which he doesn't, he'd never find us." Kochanski said scornfully. Rimmer and Lister both looked offended.

"Oooh, someone's gone straight to the naughty list for that comment!" Rimmer said, handing Lister a red stocking with white fur trim and picking up an identical one for himself.

"Anyone would think you two had never had a proper Christmas." Kochanski sighed.

"I never did really. Me being an orphan and all, it was always a sad time of year, knowing that my real parents weren't gonna be there to give me presents or cook a proper turkey dinner." Lister said reflectively.

"We didn't get presents at Christmas, we got a quiz on astronavigation and an extra hour on the rack each." Rimmer mumbled sadly. "Less than 99% correct in that quiz meant no turkey."

"God, I'm so sorry you two." Kochanski said awkwardly.

"It's all right. You didn't know." Rimmer told her.

"Yeah, don't sweat it Kris." Lister insisted.

"Come on, let's go hang these up!" Rimmer said excitedly, and he and Lister ran off towards their sleeping quarters to put their stocking by their bunks. A moment or two later, in came Kryten and the Cat.

"Miss Kochanski, what's going on?" Kryten asked.

"It's Christmas Eve, and Rimmer and Lister are getting overexcited. They never really had proper Christmases when they were kids." Kochanski told him.

"That's so sad!" Kryten said, his voice cracking up into its higher pitch.

"I think we've got to make it a Christmas for them to remember." Kochanski said.

"What's the plan then?" Cat asked.

"Well..."

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

The next morning, Rimmer awoke to what he was certain was a faint jingle of sleigh bells in the distance. He immediately looked down the bed, and was greeted with the sight of the two now bulging stockings.

"Listy! Listy! He's been!" Rimmer said ecstatically, shaking Lister's sleeping form. Lister sat up sleepily, then his eyes widened when what Rimmer was saying sunk in.

"He really came!" Lister gasped, picking up his stocking. "Let's see what we got."

They sat together at the table, opening present after present. They ended up with piles of sweets, chocolates and novelty gifts, along with a few serious gifts, including...

"An officer's badge!" Rimmer gasped as the paper fell away from his last present. "It's got my name on it!"

"Lemme see!" Lister said. Rimmer showed him the badge, and sure enough, it read _First Officer Arnold J. Rimmer_. "Smegging hell!"

"How did he know?" Rimmer whispered softly as he caressed the badge.

Lister shrugged, picking out his final gift.

"Smeg! It's a signed photo of Rastabilly Skank!" he said. "Look!"

"Wow." Rimmer said. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Yeah, come in." Lister called. Kryten, Cat and Kochanski walked in.

"Ah, Merry Christmas sirs!" Kryten said cheerily.

"Merry Christmas to you too Kryters." Lister grinned. "What's on the tray?"

"Breakfast, sirs." Kryten said. "A full English for you, Mr. Rimmer, and a vindaloo for you, Mr. Lister."

"Fabulous Kryten!" Rimmer said emphatically.

"Cheers man." Lister said, grinning again.

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

"What is it? What is it?" Lister asked Kochanski excitedly, prodding the gift.

"Just open it, you gimboid!" Rimmer laughed. Lister did so, tearing off the paper.

"Is this my London Jets t-shirt?!" he asked in shock. "It's _clean_!!"

"Yeah, me and Kryten spent ages on it. It's from both of us. Happy Christmas Dave." Kochanski smiled.

"Thanks! Happy Christmas." Lister said, kissing her quickly.

"And that's all the presents." Kryten said. "Now if you'd like to come this way sirs and ma'am, I've prepared Christmas dinner for you all."

"Brutal." Lister said, taking Kochanski's hand in his as the five of them walked out of the drive room. Behind them, the Christmas tree collapsed, but they didn't even care. When they had all eaten about as much as they could manage, they staggered back to the drive room with champagne glasses in their hands.

"A toast." Rimmer slurred several hours later. "To Christmas. 'Tis the season to be jolly and all that."

"Christmas!" the other four echoed, raising their glasses and clinking them together. Kryten got up.

"Holly, could you please open the piano?" he asked.

"Sure thing Kryten." Holly said. The drive computer folded away to reveal the keys of a full-sized piano.

"How about a sing-song everybody?" Kryten asked. "I can do a very good The First Nowell."

"Go for it Kryters!" Lister told him.

"The First Nowell, the angels did say, was to certain poor shepherds in fields where they lay, in fields where they lay keeping their sheep, on a cold winter's night that was so deep, Nowell, Nowell, Nowell, Nowell, born is the king of Israel..." They trailed off.

"Er, does anyone know the rest of the verses?" Lister asked.

"I'm afraid not." Kryten said.

"Nope." Rimmer replied, and Cat and Kochanski shook their heads.

"Never mind. What else can ya do Kryten?"

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

"So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun..."

"IT'S CHRIIIIISTMAAAASS!!!" Lister shouted.

"...look to the future now, it's only just begun." The five of them cheered as the song ended.

"One more Kryten, one more!" Lister begged.

"When the snow man brings the snow, well he just might like to know, he's put a great big smile on somebody's face..." Kryten began.

"If you jump into your bed, quickly cover up your head, don't you lock the door cause you know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way..." Rimmer continued.

"Well I wish it could be Christmas every day, when the kids start singing and the band begins to play, oh I wish it could be Christmas every day, let the bells ring out for Christmas..." they all sang.

"When we're skating in the park, if the storm cloud makes it dark, then your rosy cheeks gonna light my merry way..." was Kochanski's contribution.

"Now the frosticles appear, and they've frozen up my beard, so we'll lie by the fire til this heat simply melts them all away..." Lister finished the verse. Suddenly an alarm went off and Holly appeared on the screen.

"I hate to interrupt the festivities, dudes, but there's something coming for us." he said.

"What sort of thing?" Lister asked, immediately sobering up.

"Well it's sort of a wibbly wobbly thing." Holly said.

"No smegging way..." Lister said, not sure if he believed what he was thinking.

"What? What?" Rimmer asked.

"Ready to meet your dashing alter ego, Rimmer? Cause that's what's about to happen." Lister said with a grin. Rimmer looked somewhere between ecstatic and horrified.

A Christmas to remember would be what he got, all right...

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

**I know, another cliffhanger! I'm too mean to you! Review please!**


	5. Lister Should Stick To Lager

**AN: Sorry for leaving you on such an evil cliffhanger! Enjoy!**

Chapter 5: Lister Should Stick To Lager

"Skipper! Merry Christmas old friend!"

"Same to you Ace!" Lister beamed, hugging the man and thumping him on the back. He knew this was really Rimmer. And, thanks to his freaky flashbacks, so did nano-Rimmer (who Lister had insisted should stay out of the way for the time being to avoid confusion). But the others were none the wiser, so he'd kept it quiet. "What ya been up to?"

"Oh, you know, the usual antics. Saved a couple of civilisations, turned down the usual influx of marriage proposals, and now I'm back to spend some of the holiday season with my best pals."

"It's wonderful to see you again Mr. Ace." Kryten said.

"Couldn't be happier to see you too, Krytie. And who's this beautiful woman, Davey boy?" grinned 'Ace', keeping up the façade even though he knew full well who Kochanski was.

"I-I-I'm Krissie Kochanski." Kochanski stammered, a blush colouring her cheeks.

"And she's mine." Lister grinned, slipping an arm around her waist. "You staying long Ace?"

"I think I can stay to see the New Year in with you chaps." he replied.

"Brutal." Lister grinned. "I'll find ya a place to stay." He turned to Kryten.

"Listen Kryters, can ya get the others to smeg off while I introduce Ace to nano-Rimmer?" he whispered.

"Certainly Mr. Lister sir." Kryten replied. "Miss Kochanski, could you give me a hand with my laundry? I just can't do the damn things all on my own."

"Fine." Kochanski sighed.

"You won't catch me doing the laundry! I'm outta here bud!" Cat said, disappearing off. Kochanski and Kryten headed off to the laundry room, finally leaving Lister alone with 'Ace'.

"Smegging hell, I _hate _keeping up that damn accent. Sometimes it really drives me nuts."

"Good to see ya again Rimmer." Lister grinned, watching Ace turn into Rimmer as he tugged the wig off.

"You too Listy. You too."

The two men shared another hug, grinning like fools.

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

"So what you're saying is that the nanobots created another me?" 'Ace' Rimmer asked Lister.

"Yep, and he's basically the same as you. He's been getting flashbacks of stuff that happened to ya before ya became Ace, which I thought was pretty weird." Lister explained.

"That does sound bizarre. Am I going to meet him... er, me?"

"Yeah, but you should probably put the Ace persona back in place."

"Ugh, if I have to." Rimmer plopped the Ace wig ungraciously onto his head.

"Are you really hating it that much?" Lister teased him.

"Lister, do you honestly think I'm enjoying myself?"

"Yes!"

Rimmer grinned. "All right, you got me. It's fan-smegging-tastic! You wouldn't believe the rush of it all; the daring rescues, the fleeting love affairs... Would you believe I've managed twenty-two times in one lifetime? Casanova, eat your heart out."

Lister laughed. "You're still a dork, Rimmer."

"And you're still a gimboid, Listy." Rimmer retorted, though he couldn't help smiling. "You know, I've really missed insulting you. It was the highlight of my day."

"Yeah, you're definitely still a dork."

"Let's not get personal, Skipper." he said, slipping back into the Ace voice and catching Lister off guard.

"You're pretty good at that now." Lister said.

"Thanks. I've had plenty of practise."

They had reached the sleeping quarters, and Lister paused.

"Suddenly I'm not so sure this is a good idea." he said.

"On the contrary, Listy. I think this is a fabulous idea."

"All right, if you're certain." Lister said doubtfully, opening the door and walking in. Nano-Rimmer looked up from his book.

"Smeg..." he said quietly.

"Name's Commander Rimmer. Arnold Rimmer. Friends call me Ace..." began 'Ace' Rimmer.

"Yes, yes, I know, you smug git." Nano-Rimmer snapped.

'Ace' Rimmer was shocked. "Now now, just cool it Arn."

"You can cut the crap, I know you're really plain old Arnold Judas Rimmer. I know you're me."

With a sigh of defeat, 'Ace' Rimmer pulled his wig off. "I knew it wouldn't work, Lister."

"Ya can't blame me for suggesting it." Lister shrugged.

"Suppose not." Rimmer shrugged. Nano-Rimmer was watching him with fascination.

"You're the real me?"

"You better believe it." Rimmer grinned, flinging the wig carelessly onto the table.

"What's it like being Ace?" Nano-Rimmer asked, picking up the wig and trying it on.

"Incredible."

Nano-Rimmer smiled.

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

"So how did it go, Mr. Lister sir?"

"Really well, the two of 'em are sat in there just talking about anything." Lister told Kryten as he walked into the drive room. "I think they're gonna get on just fine."

"Marvellous." Kryten said. Suddenly an alarm started wailing, and Lister looked at Kryten in panic.

"What the smeg's going on Kryten?" he asked.

"I don't know sir, the readouts were all clear just a moment ago." Kryten said, looking out into space. "Oh my, it's a GELF ship Mr. Lister sir!"

"Oh, please tell me it's not my smegging wife again!" Lister groaned.

"No sir, it's not. I don't recognise them."

"Yo, Ace!" Lister yelled. "Got a bit of a problem here!"

Rimmer, now fully restored into his Ace wig and persona, rushed into the drive room, followed closely by Nano-Rimmer.

"What's the problem, chaps?"

"Do you know these GELFs, Mr Ace? We don't recognise them." Kryten asked, pointing at the ship heading for Red Dwarf.

"Ah, that's the GELF tribe I accidentally decimated the population of. Long story short, they're pretty smegged off with me."

"Ya don't say!" Lister said sarcastically.

"Oi, dudes, we're getting an incoming message." Holly said, appearing on the screen.

"Punch it up. Kryten, ready to translate?" Lister asked.

"Yes sir." Kryten replied. The transmission appeared on the screen, and an ugly deformed face peered at them. The GELF made disgusting throaty sounds at them and Kryten looked rather horrified. "Oh my."

"What? What did it say?" Lister asked.  
"He said, if Ace Rimmer does not hand himself over, Red Dwarf will be destroyed." Kryten said.

'Ace' Rimmer squared his shoulders. "No sense prolonging the inevitable, fellas. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."

He turned and left the drive room, heading for the cargo bay.

"No smegging way." Lister said. "Stay here." he instructed Kryten and Nano-Rimmer, before running after 'Ace' Rimmer. Lister skidded into the cargo bay just as Rimmer was heading up the steps of the Wildfire. "RIMMER! DON'T DO IT!" Lister yelled. Rimmer stopped.

"Why shouldn't I, Listy? It's what I have to do! It's my job as Ace smegging Rimmer to be the brave one! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do it!" Rimmer shouted back as Lister raced up the steps after him and screeched to a halt in front of him.

"Because I only just got ya back, man, and I ain't losing ya again!" Lister said, knocking Rimmer's Ace wig off his head.

"Do you mean it, Listy?" Rimmer asked.

"Do ya think I'd have run after ya if I wanted you to get yourself killed?" Lister said softly.

The two men were looking into each other's eyes now, almost nose-to-nose.

"Oh Listy..."

"Oh Rimsy..."

Rimmer leaned down and pressed his lips against Lister's...

_~bedobby durgle dobby durgle, tongue tied tongue tied, whenever you're around girl~_

"AAAAAAARGH!" Lister yelled, falling off his chair onto the floor of the drive room. The others abruptly stopped their rendition of Silent Night and gathered around him.

"Dave, are you all right?" Kochanski asked, worry filling her voice.

"You fell asleep, Mr. Lister sir, just after we sang 'The First Nowell'. Whatever happened was only a dream. There's no need to panic." Kryten said.

Lister lifted an arm and pointed accusingly at Rimmer. "I'm gonna smegging kill ya!"

"Why? What did I do?" Rimmer said, cringing.

"You had another one of _those _dreams, didn't you sir?" Kryten asked. Lister simply nodded before smacking a hand against his forehead.

"What the smeg is wrong with me?" Lister groaned. "Ohh, my head's killing me."

"You're probably hung over, sir, you have had rather a lot to drink." Kryten said matter-of-factly.

"What did ya put in that champagne, Kryters?"

"Nothing, sir, it was just normal champagne, with a pinch of... Oh my."

"What?" Lister asked.

"I put sugar in each glass, sir, just as an experiment, but I ran out when I reached your glass, so I used what I thought was icing sugar that I found... but it must have been some sort of hallucinogenic drug... I am so sorry! Oh, permission to kill myself, sir! Permission for Mr. Rimmer and Miss Kochanski to remove my legs and arms and for my torso to be jettisoned through waste disposal!"

"Permission refused, Kryten, it's not your fault." Lister said, struggling to his feet. "I'm gonna go to bed now. Night everyone." Lister staggered out of the drive room.

"Merry smegging Christmas." he sighed to himself. "I think I'm gonna need an extra tube of toothpaste..."

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

**Betcha didn't know I was having you on, did ya? Sorry for all those who are fans of the Lister and Rimmer pairing, but I made a promise to myself to stay canon for this fic. Next chapter coming soon. Review please!**

**P.S. If you're looking for Listy and Rimsy slash, try my fic 'All Good Things Come To An End'!**


End file.
